The road trip

I am seriously thinking about going vegetarian. I've already cut out cigarettes, hookah/shisha, weed, and alcohol from my life and right now I feel like becoming a vegetarian would help me in the long term. Given my family's Muslim culture, it will be hard to explain at family dinners or even to my friends why I've stopped eating meat. I'm not even sure I'll be getting adequate nutrition and I wonder if it will be a lot harder for me to obtain vegetarian food. I have to introduce the idea to my mom and see what she says.

I dunno why I suddenly feel really health conscious. But who doesn't want to live long and prosper? Vegetarian foods are delicious, I've loved them since I was a kid. Here's to hoping going vegetarian won't be a short-lived experiment and that I can succeed in this transition.

At this point, I rate my chances of success at 40%.

First of all, why the fuck do I get chosen for a "random extra security check" every time? Oh yeah, cause I'm brown. "Take off your shoes and belt, please". I stand in a fucking glass chamber while the morons go through my bags. They pass weird magnetic disks over my bags and laptop. The white people who are also chosen for these "random extra checks" are let through without being frisked or having their bags checked. Extremely fucked up, but justified I guess. The blame for this lies with the terrorists, who are unfortunately mostly brown and middle eastern looking like me. 

So anyway, I board a Delta airlines plane which is 3.5 hours late and get to JFK at 11 am instead of 7:30 am like I was supposed to. That means my international connecting flight left before I landed at JFK. Now what the fuck do I do? I try going to the Etihad counter by taking a train from terminal 3 to terminal 4. But guess what, the idiots have left for the day, and it's just after 11 and they won't be around until 7 am the next day. Now what? I go to the information desk downstairs in the arrivals area, and they give me the number of Etihad airlines and I call them and they tell me to call my travel agent through whom I booked the flights. I call them, and it takes about 5 hours of talking and countless repeats of my situation to find out that if I want to proceed, I'd have to pay a further $800. WTF??? This shit ain't my fault, why do I have to pay that much to go home? Either that, or cancel the rest of the journey and not get a refund for the hop to NY plus they would charge a $200 fee for cancellation. Seriously, what? 

So now I'm sitting here in a lounge in terminal 4 waiting for 7 am tomorrow. It may be that they will charge me $150 to issue a new boarding card, but I have only $143 with me because I had to eat today. But what if they really do charge $800? I met an Indian guy and an African guy who were both going to Mumbai and Dubai respectively and they both had missed their flights. They told me they easily got issued new boarding passes without paying anything. At this, I got even more pissed. So I took the train again to terminal 2 and Delta tells me that since they are not affiliated with Etihad, they cannot tell the later to not charge me a "change" fee for the itenerary. The Indian guy had been waiting since yesterday, he slept here in the terminal.

Looks like I will be doing the same thing tonight. I also had to go to the baggage depratment and ask them to find my bags for me since I didn't want them shipped to Abu Dhabi in case I didn't get on the flight tommorrow. My back hurts from sitting on the floor all day, I've been hearing screaming, crying children all day. All this would be more bearable if I had someone travelling with me.

Don't know when I will finally reach my destination. This sure has dented my enthusiasm for travelling by air.

PS. I hope the person who designed this airport has his mother tit raped by a donkey. After much walking and searching, I finally found an outlet that charges my laptop and by some miracle the wireless has stayed connected long enough for me to post this. People in other countries think NY is great and all that. It may be, but a lot of things about it absolutely suck.

I love women. I really, really do. But at the same time I'm really glad I'm a guy for mainly two reasons:

1) We have it easier in life

2) We have a much better sense of humor than ladies.

Guy humor is very brutal. It consists entirely of ripping all other guys around you to shreds, especially if there are attractive females in attendance. Men in the stone age may have fought each other with clubs for the chance to mate with the females, but now this ritual has taken a more subtle form. Guys are supposed to make themselves look good (confident/macho/leader/alpha) and make the other males look bad (weak/pussy/bitch/wimp). That is the sole purpose of jokes guys direct at each other.

I realized this, funnily enough, quite recently. Guys don't look at each other and say "aww your new haircut looks so cute!". A few days ago a friend was driving me and another friend somewhere, and out of nowhere the passanger friend says to the driver, with a tone of utmost profound seriousness, "Hey dude, why do you hold the wheel like a faggot?" This was so unexpected that I burst out laughing. Upon noticing, it did look like the driver was grasping the wheel as if he was cupping somebody's butt. 

Race/ethnicity is the favorite topic guys rip on. We ask Asian friends why they are sleeping (eyes are too narrow) and I get told not to blow shit up. People from different countries get joked about their nationality. If someone is Italian American then they are guidos, if someone is Irish American then they are drunkards. I thought each and every guy accepted that other guys are going to rip on him - call him a faggot, jew, terrorist, pussy etc. But some guys (nerds) just don't get it. Their inabilty to come back at taunts thrown at them is why they are easy targets in life. 

So yeah. If you're a guy,  stop sucking dick. If you're a girl, then...how are you?

I walked through the fields of heaven, and I saw two fair angels, and they smiled at me. I happened upon them by sheer chance, it was as if they were placed there to show me the zenith of beauty. Their eyes were like precious stones that humankind had never discovered. Stones that were more beautiful than sapphires but far more fragile than the youngest of hearts. I wanted to stop and stare at them forever, but I could not, I had to go on.

They were not the only angels I have ever seen. I have seen many in my life now. The most mind blowingly, amazingly, ravishingly goregeous angel I have ever seen, I managed to talk to. I not only saw her once but many times, and each time she seemed more alluring than the time before. Golden hair, ocean blue eyes, and an aura of irresistable pull which is not possible to describe using human languages. She must surely be the queen of all the angels. 

I was not the only guy in heaven, walking through the fields. There were others like me. I stopped and talked to them, and they were from so many places on earth from Moscow to Buenos Aires. We were all after the same thing. 

At first I was confused why I was in heaven. I thought I was there forever, but then I realized what was happening. These divine belle's were there to show me what I could have had. What a cruel trick. Why was I subjected to this? This was not fair. This was worse than never having laid eyes upon them at all. 

As I reached the gates and the time came, I had to say to all the angels all around, resting on the floating clouds, "I'm just a visitor here, I'm not permanent". It all seemed out of context.

 This past weekend I went to see my cousin who I hadn't met in a while. He's a really cool guy and we always do insane shit when we chill. So me and my cousin Jimmy met up with a few of his friends who turned out to be cool as well. They were 4 guys, we wasted time at one of their houses and then 1 guy left.
 
So now it was 5 of us (including my cousin and I). We drove to a dark residential street, parked and rolled up 3 joints, got high and then watched 'A Nightmare on Elm Street'. Right after it ended, the guy named Cash said we should go to this creepy graveyard because I had never seen it. The others agreed, and while we were driving there, they started daring each other to walk through the graveyard alone.
 
The whole time we were driving there, I thought "No fucking way am I walking through a graveyard!". My cousin and another guy named Drip were talking the most shit, saying they could easily do it and that they weren't scared. Drip was acting like he didn't even believe in ghosts etc. As we got near the place, my cousin said to Cash (who was driving) "Let these guys see what they're getting themselves into. Drive around the graveyard to show them how big it is." And it took us a good while to drive around it. It is located on a street called Hollywood Road, and on both sides of it there are thick coverings of trees. Near the gates of the cemetary there was almost complete darkness. The gates were of iron, and there were two stars of David on them.
 
We stopped near the gate. After seeing the size of the place, nobody had the balls to actually walk through the place alone. Until I saw that place I thought I did not believe in ghosts or any of that shit and I usually laugh at people who say they've seen ghosts, but at that time I could have pissed my pants if I had to go in there alone. My cousin was still acting badass though I could tell he wouldn't do it. He told us he'd walk through it alone, but if he did we'd have to sleep in the graveyard all night.
 
So Cash got scared of being called a pussy for not taking up the offer and started driving home. We were half way back before we convinced him to turn around. When we got back, nobody had the guts to do it and again we started driving home. We drove around for 3 hours before we finally decided to do it, primarily on my insistance because I wanted to prove to myself that I was not scared of no fucking ghosts.
 
When we got there again, Drip again refused to do it and so did the other guy called Sophy. I kept insisting and me, my cousin and Cash slowly edged towards the extremely scary, dark entrance to the graveyard. I opened the gate, but the other two were trying to light cigarettes so they didn't see it. As soon as they looked up, the screamed at the top of their lungs and ran back to the SUV. I mildly panicked because I didn't know why they were screaming but they must have seen a ghost right? No. They screamed because the gate had apparently been opened by a ghost. I told them I had opened it when they weren't looking. So after 10 more minutes of insistance on my part, I finally took the first step beyond the gate. Cash and Jimmy followed about 5 feet behind me.
 
One thing I noticed was that from just a few inches behind the entrance, you could not see shit inside. It was completely pitch black. At most you could see the outlines of the oak trees inside. But once I crossed the gates, everything turned blue. It was so blue inside that we had no trouble seeing anything, even though there was not a single light anywhere near where we were.
 
We were scared out of our minds and walking forwards very slowly, looking around, ready to bolt back towards the SUV. We walked on and on...leaves rustled on the ground, trees made whooshing noises, but we didn't see any ghosts. We walked around the entire pathway inside, and the guys waiting in the car kept calling us, they were worried. But I told Cash and Jimmy not to pick up cause I wanted them to think we died or something. I was afraid we'd see the undertaker walking around, that would have been enough to cause us all to scream like pussies and run. But nothing happened. We calmed down, talked about death and what we felt walking through this place and how we took life for granted. We said we were glad we did it.
 
After about 20-25 mins inside, we came back out. Jimmy said before we went in that we should come out before 3 AM because that is apparently when the spirits rise up and stuff. We had forgotten to look at the time when we were inside but back in the car we realized we came out at 2:59 AM. And guess what else we realized? There was no moon in the sky that night. We were shocked into silence for an entire minute when we realized that. Because it was so light blue inside the graveyard, we could have sworn there was a full moon above us, but there wasn't.
 
Before going in we were also scared because it was Jewish cemetary, and Cash had been making Jew jokes, saying he'd piss on their graves and stuff. When he went inside he was so scared he did not say a single thing against Jews or go anywhere near a grave. Jimmy was saying the ghosts would be pissed we were with this anti-Jewish guy :P
 
Anyway, we drove back home and Drip and Sophy told us they were scared for us and were gonna come in if we didn't answer the phone or come back out a little later than we did. They gave us mad props and respect for having the balls to go in.
 
This is the graveyard, from Google maps.
 

Brandon couldn’t sleep. He’d been lying in bed for three hours now but he wasn’t any closer to being asleep than he’d been when he’d forced himself to lie down in bed; hoping his mind would grow weary of the dark thoughts haunting his consciousness so mercilessly and drift off to slumber. He felt physically tired, he had a dull headache, but the alternate reality of sleep still eluded him. Craning his neck towards his clock, Brandon saw that it was 4:27 am. Letting out a half-groan, half-sigh, Brandon got up and pulled on his jeans and walked out of his room. Tiptoeing across the living room so as not to wake the others, he knew exactly where he was going.

As he stepped through the front door threshold, Brandon took a huge sniff of the cool autumn air. Closing the door gently behind him, he walked down the driveway and turned left on the street. After walking for a couple of minutes, Brandon took the shortcut through the path between the two condo buildings and his feet felt the transition between the hard asphalt and the grass upon which he was now walking. This was his early morning destination: the park. Brandon loved coming here, to this simple playground which during the evenings was full of younger kids playing football or tag and king of the hill. Brandon jogged towards the swings and slumped into the nearest one. Gently rocking himself backwards and forwards, Brandon looked up at the dark sky full of billions of tiny white specks. The nearest street lights were far enough to make the center of the park dark so he couldn’t be seen from the condos surrounding the park. And good thing too, because he didn't want to explain to anyone what he was doing here at this ungodly hour. As Brandon tried to remember the constellation name of a crisp formation of stars, he heard something directly behind him, but before he could react, he felt something grab his right shoulder. Nearly jumping out of his skin, he whilred around and tried to get up from the swing at the same time and nearly fell off.

"Mary!"

If Brandon was to be forced to choose one person on this planet to intrude upon his moment of solitude, it would easily be Mary. She was a year older than him, but someone who he could listen to, someone who for some reason had a genuine interest in him. Though Brandon wasn't sure what their relationship was called.

"What are you doing here at five in the morning? It's a school night." asked Mary.

"I should be asking you the same question!"

"I wanted to swing" she said with a smile.

Mary took the swing next to Brandon but did not start swinging.

"So, your turn to tell me why you're here." Brandon looked at her partially visible face, acutely aware of the mysterious aura surrounding the moment. Mary had brown hair, brown eyes and a thin nose - which she often cunched when anyone said something she deemed unfit of a response - and overall, Brandon thought she was quite pretty. Mary's younger brother was Brandon's younger brothers best friend, and since their parents were good friends too, they made an unspoken agreement to be close as well. Brandon preferred listening to talking, and since Mary loved to talk, they made a great pair. Even at school, Mary would often come upto him during lunch and make references to their time spent together after school, promting Brandons friends to ask him over and over again if she was his girlfriend. Brandon never had an answer, and even if he did, he would not give it to them.

"I..." began Brandon, questioning himself about what exactly he should say now. He wasn't prepared for this; although a part of him was very glad to see her, Brandon was supposed to come here and leave by himself. "...couldn't sleep, and wanted to kill some time until the school bus comes."

"I see." said Mary. The distant streetlights reflected in her eyes, making them look black and white. "So you are going to go to school without any sleep?"

"Yeah, I can survive. I've done it before."

Mary did not answer, and looked away from Brandon for the first time since sneaking up on him. Brandon looked at the trees lining the edge of the park. He loved trees, especially when there was a gentle breeze and their leaves were making a soothing rustling noise as they were right now. Niether of them said anything for a minute.

"Mary"

"Hmm?"

"Have you ever felt...unreal?" said Brandon rather sheepishly.

"That's a very profound question. Are you in philosophy mode again?" Mary said with her trademark half-smile.

This time Brandon did not answer, and they sat in silence for a minute again. Mary started swinging lightly. Brandon started feeling intense panic rising within him. What was he going to do now? Now that she was here, it would make everything infinitely harder. This is why he had chosen this time - so that he would not have to deal with anybody and do it without having second thoughts - but now Mary was here and he would have to explain. Brandon decided it was now or never, and he opened his mouth to talk, but the words that came out of it were completely irrelevant and unimportant: "So you're gonna wait with me until the bus comes at 7?"
Mary looked at him again, but with curiosity, an expression which only Brandon could elicit from her. She replied "Yeah, unless you don't want me to?". Brandon knew why she had that look - it was a given that she would wait with him - once they were together, they could not be voluntarily separated. "No, no it's not t-, uh I mean, of course I want you to stay here."

Mary raised an eyebrow and said suspiciously, "What's wrong with you today? I don't think you're feeling well. You shouldn't go to school without any sleep."

Brandon now knew why he was feeling so apprehensive. It was not what he was about to do today, but the thought of explaining it to Mary that was making him a nervous wreck. "Wow, I'm a coward." thought Brandon. "Pull yourself together you pussy!" shouted a harsh voice in his head. "Be a man, grow a pair of balls and just tell her, she's not going to kill you" bellowed another.

Brandon ran his left hand through his hair, like he always did whenever he was on edge. Mary suddenly jumped up from her swing, grabbed Brandons hand and pulled him off as well, and led him to the bench, where they sat down sideways. She drew her face close to his and said gently, "Just tell me."

At that instance, Brandon wanted to cry. His heart ached at his own stubborness. Why can't I tell her? She deserves to know. She is the one person who will never judge me, she is the one person who can comfort me, and tell me whether my decision is the correct one. Telling her would be a huge weight off my shoulder and make me feel less lonely. Here is a person, a wonderful person who cares about me, wanting to know what's bothering me, and yet for some reason I don't want to divulge my secret? Is it even important if she can't fix my problem? Maybe she could even help me find a better way to do what I must do. Others do not understand the complexity of my problem, but she will, if I tell her. I want to tell her, and I am going to tell her.

"Are you having any problems, Brandon?" Mary asked, making him realize that her voice was the most beautiful sound in the world.

With amazingly deceptive conviction, Brandon replied "No."

"Are you sure? You can tell me anything. I'll help you. If there's a problem, let me know."

"Mary, everythings fine. If something was wrong, I'd tell you."

As he said it, Brandon felt his soul pounding against his body. It wanted to escape through his moving tounge and into Mary's ears and into her heart. The soul wanted Mary to know how it felt, the struggles it was enduring and the longing it held. But Brandons body would not let him, there was also something inside of him that would not let him tell people how he felt, even when it was clear to both Brandon and the other person that he was far from okay. Admiting to a problem, and asking for help was a sign of weakness. There must have been some gene in Brandon that simply locked his feelings and brilliant thoughts in his brain and refused to allow anyone access to them, because it wanted other people to percieve him as a man - undettered by petty problems and unafraid of challanges - when infact quite the opposite was true.

There was a long pause, during which Mary straightened herself and gazed listlessely at the water tower visible behind the tall trees. Brandon decided that he could not tell her about what he was planning on doing today. But he realized there as a new intense feeling inside him now, and he should share it with her.

"Mary, I," he hesitated. LOVE YOU. I love you, nobody cares about me as much as you do and I really appreciate you. I really like you. "I think I'm not going to school today, afterall."

Smiling her pretty smile again, Mary said "Great idea. You're shivering and it's not even that cold. Come to my house in the evening, we'll watch TV or something."

Brandon smiled at her for the first time, said goodbye, and left her sitting on the park bench as the first strokes of an orange dawn emerged in the sky.

yayayayayayayay!

It's been 4 days since I last smoked a cancer stick. I've decided to kick my 4 month old habit. I can't let this go on any longer. Smoking is disgusting and damaging. I don't want to die when I'm 60. I don't need cigarettes to take my stress level down. Cigarettes don't solve life's problems, they only make things worse. They are a waste of money and they are charring my still-mostly healthy insides.

I don't need to repeat all the horrible things cigarettes can do to me. I just need to stay strong, I must remind myself that smart people don't smoke.

What I will say is that I used to think I would never get addicted. I used to smoke here and there, very rarely if someone offered me one. But then I realized how good they taste. My brain became slowly dependent on them and it became almost impossible to live without cigs for more than a few hours. Nobody can know just how hard it is to quit until you have to go through it yourself. I had the "smokers fever" last night, which comes on the 3rd day after going cold turkey. I felt restless, and felt like my forehead was on fire and I had a dull headache. I felt like I would give up my left arm for a smoke. But I got throught it, which as I have read is the hardest part of quitting. The next hardest day will come on the 7th day after quitting. With science on my side, I know what to expect and I will defeat my brain's repeated pleas for a fresh fix of nicotine. 

"No brain no! It's all your fault! why did you get addicted to nicotine? You're not getting anymore!". For once, I'm letting my heart win. My heart wants me to quit, smoking is not me, it was never me. 

I am determined to do that which the vast majority of smokers are unable to do: successfuly quit on the first attempt. Along with this, I am going to kick my other bad habits of procrastination, and will take up exercise. I am proud of my effort so far.

I love you, my heart. Please don't stop beating for many more decades.  

I am a typical college kid who buys microwave food to survive most of the times. Actually, not quite microwave food, but oven food I should say. I go to Giant and buy frozen chicken patties which I use to make sandwiches and I also get a 5 lbs bag of fries which can be cooked easily in the oven. This makes for a good combination, but I get bored of eating this all the time.

So my aunt had given me a bag of rice and another for pulses to cook some *proper* food for once. I found some chicken, and decided to cook chicken karahi (one of the most delicious meals ever). I put the chicken in the slow cooker, put 1.5 tablespoons of garlic and ginger in it, about 3 tablespoons of tomato paste and about a 3rd of karahi masla mix powder. Put the slow cooker on high, prayed that it would turn out fine, and went to school. I came home to a delicious wafting smell of a well cooked meal. I cooked the rice in the rice cooker, put some salt on the chicken karahi, and I succeeded in cooking a proper dish for the first time in my life! Even though cooking in a slow cooker is not really cooking, I still am pretty proud of it. The soup/curry part of the dish felt really delicious on the rice. I could have made the dish a lot fancier, but I didn't have all the ingredients.

I would cook proper food more often if I had someone to share it with, but by myself I'm too lazy to do it and proper cooking is just way too much work. Really makes me appreciate women who cook good food everyday. 

If you haven't had chicken karahi ever or in a long while, then have some! you won't regret it.

 

YOU'RE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, I want to know 36 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, or if we already know everything about each other. Short and sweet is fine ... You're on my list, so I want to know you better!

BE HONEST! COPY FROM HERE THEN SEND DIRECTLY TO ME IN A COMMENT THEN, REPOST THE EMPTY QUESTIONS.

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?

2) What was your dream growing up?

3) What talent do you wish you had?

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?

5) Favorite vegetable?

6) What was the last book you read?

7) What zodiac sign are you?

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.

9) Worst Habit?

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?

11) What is your favorite sport?

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?

15) Tell me one weird fact about you.

16) Do you have any pets?

17) What if I showed up at your house unexpectedly?

18) What was your first impression of me? (hmmm...careful!)

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?

22) What color eyes do you have?

23) Ever been arrested?

24) Bottle or can soda?

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?

27) What's your favorite place to hang at?

28) Do you believe in ghosts?

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?

30) Do you swear a lot?

31) Biggest pet peeve?

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?

33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?

34) If you could live anywhere in the world where would you chose?

35) Do you believe in God?

36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?

At the age of 15, I was bordering on atheism. 

I was completely disillusioned with Islam and religion in general. Events that occured around me were the trigger of my sudden, intense dislike for the concept of spirituality. How could people all over the world be so stupid? Especially Muslims. What was their problem? Why were so many of them unable to live in the 21st century like civilized human beings? 

It all started on that fine evening of 9/11/2001. I came home exhausted from playing soccer to find my dad talking excitedly on the phone, and the TV screen was showing a burning skyscraper in New York. I read the CNN captions, and it said a plane had crashed into the building. "wow, the pilot must have been blind" I thought. Then the screen split into two and showed a burning Pentagon alongside. I realized it was no accident. My dad asked his friend on the phone whether he thought the US would nuke Afghanistan. While watching in horror, I realize both WTC towers were on fire. I had a math test the next day, but I didn't care. I knew I was watching the world change, a momentous event. Surely this would mean a big war? A friend called me and when I asked him if he was watching the news, he said "Why should we care? It's not happening in our country is it?"

Sure enough, America invaded Afghanistan and I was very happy. I'd seen the documentaries American news channels aired about the Taliban and their brutal method of controlling the population of Afghanistan. I cannot forget the image of a man walking upto a kneeled, burq-clad woman in the center of a soccer stadium. He put the AK-47 to her head and sent the bullet through her, it hit the dusty ground after piercing straight through her skull, and the woman slumped forward into the brown cloud. Her crime? Not fully covering her face in public. Pakistani newspapers condemned this barbaric regieme, and through the various editorials I remembered 8th grade Pakistan Studies. These backward Afghans had brought nothing but guns and drugs into Pakistan. We sponsored them, we gave them a home and these thankless bastards still hated us. The textbooks didn't say that, but it was common knowledge.

America's forces came to liberate the oppressed masses of Afghanistan. Opressed by Islam. I was on Americas side, I felt exasperated everytime somone said the Afghans were their Muslim brothers and we should support the mujahideen. At this same time, I found out that the founder of Pakistan, the great Muhammad Ali Jinnah was a secularist. His vision of Pakistan was not of a theocratic, fascist regieme. But our country's laws had been changed during the middle years of Pakistan to "conform with the laws of the Quran and and Sunnah". Instead of improving upon the old English laws from the colonial era like India did, Pakistan was going from being a free country where Americans lived in numbers (and pranced about in swim suits and even naked on the beach, check this and this) to a Sharia state. Zia ul Haq single handedly derailed Pakistan from the path of being a great country to one which is infested with brainwashed Islamic terrorists to this day. Innocent people are dying today because in the 80s Zia asked in a referendum: "Do you want Islamic laws to be implemented?" and 98% voted yes. Well, there you have it people, today India is a stable deomcracy which has had Muslim President while in our great land of the pure a Christian or Hindu or Sikh person cannot become Prime Minister or President. Why should my fellow non-Muslim citizens, who were born in Pakistan like I was, be denied the right to rule the country? This is Islams perverted logic - never let a non-Muslim rule a Muslim country!!!! S/He'll destroy your morals and send us all to hell!!!!!!!!! The fact that the founder of the country had said "you can belong to any religion, that is not the business of the state" didn't matter at all to us stupid Pakistanis. It was more important to be a Muslim than a Pakistani, after all.

Then in the 2002 elections, the MMA (alliance of Islamic parties) won a majority in the Frontier province. Instead of setting to task fixing the pathetic education system of their province, or providing people with affordable healthcare, these mullahs concerned themselves with trivial matters such as the faces of beautiful women on roadside billboards. Newspapers carried pictures of MMA men climbing up these billboards and using black paint to blockout the faces of the models. A ban on women on billboards followed. The MMA also threw a huge hissy fit when the government removed the words "Islamic Republic of" from the Pakistani passport. Subsequently, music was banned and the livelihood of many artists and music shop owners was destroyed. The MMA even went so far as to introduce a bill that would allow the appointment of district obudsmen (religious police officers). The MMA was inspired by their Taliban brothers across the border.  Thank God this bill was vetoed by President Musharraf.

Also in 2002, something happened that made me very, very ashamed to be a Pakistani. Daniel Pearl, an American, Jewish journalist, was kidnapped and murdered by Muslim terrorists. I followed news of him, I hoped he would be freed, I hoped he would one day be able to see his child which was still in it's mothers womb. But they killed him a most gruesome manner, decapitating his head with their blunt knife. He was drugged up, but from the video you can tell the terrorists fudged their first attempt at chopping off his head, so while he was still alive, they set to work chopping his neck off from a different angle. The person who masterminded this was a Oxford educated, British Muslim. This disproved the theory that only illiterate, poor Muslims could become terrorists because of their vulnerable social status.

Everywhere I looked, Islam was the cause of trouble. In the 90s I had supported the legitamte struggles of Muslim freedom fighters in Chechnya and Kashmir. They'd only kill Russian and Indian soldiers, they would not blow themselves up amongst a crowd of innocent people. But now, Muslims were killing "infidels" all over, in France, in Spain, in England, in Bali.  In my own city of Karachi Sunnis and Shias were killing each other. So their violence wasn't limited for non-Muslims only, these morons were killing anyone who deviated slightly from their own interpretation of the faith. 

How was it that the infidels who had no morals and who were all going to hell so far ahead of us in everyting? Oh right, because Islam teaches you nothing in this life is important, so why bother wasting time conducting scientific research? Why bother expressing yourself through music and film and painting? 

Well, fuck you self-righteous fundamentalists. There is nothing wrong with two adults having sex, there is nothing wrong with gay sex either (an amazing number of Pakistanis engage in gay/lesbian sex, one of their many hypocritical habits), there is nothing wrong with financial interest, its how banks make money, and there is nothing wrong with eating pork because I've seen a goat drink it's own piss with my own eyes and you love to eat that, there is nothing wrong with drinking alcohol, it's no worse than smoking which a lot of you enjoy.

If you're a Muslim, you're probably thinking the extreme behavior I'm describing is limited to only a minority of extremists. Then how come Afghanistan, Iran, Pakistan, Saudi Arabia and many other Muslim countries have governments which actively discriminate against their minorities and mete out the most barbaric punishments in practice today? Thankfully Pakistan is the most sane amongst these nations I have named. Our country has some religious laws, but they've rarely ever been enfored. Nobody has ever been executed or even whipped for a 'religious crime', and the punishments handed out by the Sharia courts are often overturned by the real high court. But it is still a matter of shame for us that we've strayed so far from the vision of Jinnah. 

And if the majority of Muslims are sane, reasonable people, why are they so intolerant of any dissenting opinions against Islam? Why does the whole Muslim world erupt in a roar of rage everytime a cartoonist in Denmark draws a few insulting cartoons of Muhammad, or an author writes a book whose characters could be seen as satiring your favorite religious figures? Why did a Muslim murder the Dutch filmmaker who was making a documentary about the exploitation and repression of women in Muslim countries? When the Muhammad cartoons came out, ordinary Pakistani Muslims rioted in the streets and burnt American restaurants such as KFC, where some innocent people died. Did they care? How is killing your own people and burning down your own city going to help? This violent behavior is not because of their lack of education. There are illiterate Christians in Pakistan and all over the world too, but they do not burn effigies and buildings everytime South Park makes fun of Jesus. Muslims expect the world to self-censor itself when it comes to Islam. Why? Why do you care so much what they think? They're going to hell anyway right? If you don't like it, don't watch it or don't listen to it or don't read it. Simple, right? No, all who insult Islam should be killed!!!

When I was about 4, I asked my dad "Papa, when was Allah born?" He laughed heartily and replied Allah was never born, he had always been. This dumbfounded me. How was that possible? This answer contradicted everything I'd ever seen in my very short life. Everything had a beginning and an end. That was the first time I spotted a hole in religious logic. I grew older as a nice Muslim kid, there was even a period where I'd go to the mosque 5 times a day. But mostly, I'd go every Friday. Fast forward to my mid-teens and I was questioning things, I hated Islamiyat class in school with a passion. The teacher would harp on about boundaries, about how we're supposed to behave, about how Pakistan was going morally bankrupt. He once mentioned a brother-sister singer duo, who according to him, had begun the decay of Pakistani society in the 80s. He said if they had been stopped back then, Pakistan would be a nice Islamic country. He was talking about Nazia and Zoheb Hassan; both amongst the most gifted artists Pakistan has ever produced. I loved Nazia since I was a little kid, and this jab at them infuriated me. 

If you ask me now if I am a Muslim, I will say yes. I am, because I say so. Nobody else has any right to tell me what I am. If someone says they are something, then they that is what they are (Let me apologize on behalf of all Pakis to the Ahmadis who were subject to extreme discrimination by the government & society). I believe in one god, I believe in the basic fundamental concepts espoused by Muhammad - don't lie, don't steal, don't kill, be kind. But I reject outright parts of the religion that are outdated and which make no sense. I see no good reason to not  drink alcohol as long as you're responsible, there's no reason not to eat pork, I see nobody getting sick and having their lifespan shortened because of it, I see no reason to not have pre-marital sex, signing a piece of paper dosen't make it magically alright. Chopping off someones hand for stealing is very uncivilized behavior - it acts neither as a deterrent nor justice. It only worsens the situation of the thief in society, as now he is handicapped ontop of being poor and hungry. Science is proving religion wrong, homosexuals don't choose to be gay, they're born that way. Maybe you call it a mental disorder and think it can be cured, but I'm sure you also think your religion is absolutely perfect and makes perfect sense. When I was a kid I used to laugh at the silly Hindus, who build a statue and then worship it. Didn't these people realize how stupid that was? But I grew older and smarter, and I now realize if I was born a Hindu, I would have believed in my religion and it would have made as much sense as Islam does to a Muslim. The same way, Christianity makes perfect sense to a Christian, and Zoroastrianism makes perfect sense to a parsi.

Muslims, as almost all other religions, believe in what they hear from their parents. If your parents say it is okay for a girl to not wear a scarf, that is what you believe in. If your parents say it's not okay, then you fiercely advocate the use of it. Another funny thing about religious people is how over the generations they unconcsiously become more liberal. If you're a Muslim who had grandparents growing up in a Muslim country, it was probably not okay in their time for girls to dress in jeans and tops. But now, I see urban women in Pakistan wearing these clothes. If you ask them "isn't this against Islam", they'll say "what's the big deal? why would it be against Islam?". So remember, the ideals you're stubbornly preaching today will not be shared by your descendants. No matter how hard you try to stop them from following a more liberal version of your religion, they will do things that you would never do. They will do things that you consider to be abominable sins, just like you do things that your ancestors would never do. And herein is exposed the flaw in religious logic once more.

I dislike organized religion. Religion should be a personal thing, something not forced upon you but something you discover on your own through reading and your own interpreations. Religion is something that should not be bandied about, it should be as personal as your sex life. Religion should have nothing to do with government, since all of us have different interpreations and even within Islam there's so many different sects. My own last name is Rizvi. That means my ancesters might have been Shia. What caused them to become Sunnis? This is another reason why I do not believe in inculcating religion into every aspect of your life through silly little rules which you think come directly from the Prophet Muhammad. How can you be sure that the quotes attributed to him were really what he said? Were you there? Humans have a tendency to change things to suit themselves, and it is impossible to ascertain what Muhammad said and what he didn't say. Don't be arrogant enough to believe that there is no way any other lifestyle but your own could be the way to live.

Why did God put us on this earth? Maybe it was to see the different ways in which we would acknowledge his existance. The ancient tribes that used to worship the sun were indirectly worshipping God, weren't they? The sun was made by God, and is something that sustains life on our planet. Through science, we now know it is just a fiery ball of gas with nuclear fusion reactions occuring at it's center. The Greeks believed Zeus was the King of Gods, the one who would lob thunder from the sky when he was angry. Through science now we know lightning strikes not because God is angry but because of a charge difference between the clouds and the ground. Despite science proving wrong many of the myths propogated by various religions, it religion is a human attempt to understand our own origins and our fate after death. The reason I believe in God is because as I see it there are too posibilites:

1. Everything came from nothing.

2. Everything came from God who has always existed.

Both concepts are beyond mine, and everybody elses comprehension. It is hard to imagine an entity that has always existed, but it is harder still to imagine everything emerging from nothingness. Yet, where was I before I was born? I was nothing, I felt nothing, I knew nothing. Will it not be the same after I die? Perhaps this is the affect of being born into a religious society, but despite these real doubts, I still believe in God. I, the one who refuses to believe anything without empirical evidence, believe in God. 

I am a Muslim. I am an Agnostic. I am an Agnostic-Muslim.

I cannot get over the character of the Half-Blood Prince. JK got me with her final twist, she really did.

Severus Snape was born to a muggle father and a witch mother, whose marriage was not working out. Tobias Snape abused his partner Eileen Prince to the point it made a lasting impression their son. He grew to hate muggles, he blamed everything that was wrong in his life on his father, and perhaps rightly so. He never even had proper clothes to wear; a clear sign of the neglect he faced from his family.

Then he sees a beautiful girl his age who sometimes comes to the park near his home in Spinners End. He watches her covertly. To his great surprise and pleasure, she displays clear signs of being a witch. The redhead girl can almost fly and move things without touching them. She has a rather annoying sister who's always telling her to stop doing these magical moves. He decides to talk to her, to be her friend.

When Severus finally reveals himself, all goes wrong, as the redheads sister marches off angrily and so does she. But Lily Evans was curious about what the boy said about her being a witch, and she goes to find him a couple of days later and they end up being friends. He tells her so much about the wizarding world, and Lily can't wait to go to Howgarts. Lily's parents never really find their daughter out of the ordinary, they just think she's an active child with too much energy, but her sister Petunia is jealous of the cool things her sister can do and she can't. Lily dosen't realize it, but Severus has a huge crush on her. Lily is the first girl, perhaps even the first person to be his friend. She also dosen't know that Severus really dislikes muggles. Severus represses the voice in his head that tells him not be friends with a muggle born; he cannot resist her beauty.

Lily and Severus go to school together, but are sorted into different houses and thus begins their drifting apart, when infact Severus had been hoping Hogwarts would be the place where he would finally be able to tell her how he felt about her; he had hoped this was the place where the two of them would always be together. Severus really hated everything Gryffindor stood for; them and their muggle loving crowd. Guys like James and Sirius, what arrogant twits, always trying to show off to the girls. Because Severus didn't have any real friends except Lily, who barely got to hang out with him, he started associating with a bunch of mean kids who were talking about the rise of a powerful dark wizard named Voldemort. They told him that Severus' skills in dark magic were exemplary, the Dark Lord could use people like him. For the first time in his life, Severus felt appreciated and admired.

Severus and Lily still hung out sometimes, they'd take a walk along the courtyard or by the lake. Lily is a popular figure amongst Gryffindors, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, and she is a great student. The things she talked about rarely interested Severus, he'd gladly listen most of the times, staring into those green eyes wondering if he should just blurt out his profession of love. Afterall, he became her friend in the same manner.

But soon Lily starts avoiding him, she always seems to be doing something and never seems to have the time to sit down. Severus knows all the classes she takes, and he knows her schedule, yet she is never anywhere to be found. When he does manage to get her to see him, she tells him she dosen't want him haning out with Avery and Mulciber. Severus dosen't pay attention to her pleas, this is not something he can do. By his very nature, Severus cannot be friends with anyone who is not a Slytherin, and he cannot now back out of his association with Avery and Mucliber. If he did that, he'd become a total outcast within Slytherin too.

By now James Potter had clearly set his sights on Lily. This infuriated Severus. How could this jerk steal the girl he had been friends with for so long? It was not fair, he must show Lily the true nature of James. Severus disliked James just as much as he liked Lily, and he knew James and his gang were a bunch of rule breakers; he knew about their midnight escapades. There was also something fishy about that Lupin guy, and Severus decided to find out so he could eliminate the threat of James once and for all.

Severus is nearly killed by the Whomping Willow when he tries to go to the Shrieking Shack after Sirius Black tells him that Remus is there. Severus resents being rescued by James; he would rather have died than take his help. Besides, James was really only trying to save his own skin.

Time goes on, Lily slowly starts taking a liking to the brash quidditch player James. After an owl exam, Severus is caught off guard by James and his gang and in humiliation and fury, he calls Lily a mudblood. Severus himself did not know where it came from; perhaps he was also angy at Lily for not listening to what he had to say. James finally showed his true colors to Lily, but it was at Severus' expense. As he dangled upside down, Severus felt it was all Lily's fault this was happening to him.

Filled with great regret at what he had done, Severus tries to make up with Lily, but the damage had been done and she would never be his friend again. Next year in the NEWT level potions class, Lily was his classmate. She seemed to have gotten over what Severus had done, she could not stay estranged with her old friend, but at the same time their friendship was never the same, now they were merely classmates. Severus woud still stare at Lily longingly in class, he would watch her cook up excellent potions, and he copied her and wrote down her tricks in his book.

In their final year at Hogwarts, Severus sees Lily holding hands with James. His heart broken, he became disillusioned with life, with people. All he had ever wanted was Lily, and now she was taken by his arch enemy. After Hogwarts Severus joined the ever powerful Death Eater movement. On Voldemorts orders, Severus goes to apply for a Hogwarts job. He overhears Sybill Trelawny's prediction, and relays it to his master. When the Dark Lord decides to go after Lily and James with the intention to kill their son, a great panic rises from inside Severus. In his desperation to ensure Lily's saftey, he begs Dumbledore to protect her.

Alas, Voldemort manages to kill James and Lily. Struck with great grief, Severus decides to protect Lily's son. When Harry arrives at Hogwarts 10 years later, Severus sees James Potter all over again. He hates the boy, and many unfair detentions and point deductions are meted out to Harry. But Severus defends Harry by saying he might have been confunded when he attacked him in the Shrieking Shack, Severus does not provide veritaserum to Umbridge when she asks for it and he does not kill Harry after killing Dumbledore.

In the very end, Severus dies a real spy's death, without ever having compromised his cover. He followed Dumbledores instructions till his last breath, he died for Lily, and the last thing he ever thought of were her green eyes. He could have resented Lily for choosing James over him, but he really did love her and proved it. He lived his whole life as a loner, and the reason I like him very much now is because everyone else had something going for them, but Severus never had anyone except Lily. She was his only friend, his only love. 

In 1999, JK was asked if Snape could ever fall in love. She said he was based on a sadistic teacher she herself once had, and she said the answer to that question would be in book 7. Listen to her answer: http://www.crusaders.no/~afhp/interviews/connection/13.%20Snape.mp3

There's lots of tribute videos to for Snape online, but I think this one is great. The song, Leave Out All The Rest by Linkin Park, is very appropriate for him. Snape could have said these words to Harry.

I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared

After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

And don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made

I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are 

Snape tribute video

I remember how I used to argue against Snape on HarryPotter.com in 2002/2003. Now, I love his character for how selfless he really was.  Severus Snape is the most memorable character I have ever encountered, and I think he has affected me in some way. He has taught me, and anyone who cares to learn, a lesson that when you really love someone, you would do anything for them, even if they reject you. What an amazing fictional, yet inspiring man. 

 

 I finished reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows today. I don't know why I waited until 6 months after the release of this book to read it, but I am really glad I lived long enough to know the conclusion of this tale. What an amazing story. I cannot adequately express the sheer epicness of what JK Rowling has given this world with her brilliant creative mind. That is why I'm posting here an excerpt from an editorial on MuggleNet.com which perfectly defines what this series is about.

Recordatio Via
An original editorial by Dementom

Let’s pretend you were given the following challenge: construct within your own imagination a world, supposedly existing side-by-side with our real world, which will captivate people of all ages all over the world in a story of ulimate good versus ultimate evil, which is also a coming-of-age story, which is set to take place over seven key years within a thirty-six year time period, which incorporates mythical elements from cultures all over the world, which incorporates hundreds of characters, and which takes place over seven novels, some of considerable length. You also need each story to contain elements of fantasy, mystery, and adventure, and keep each book in the series logically consistent with the others, while aging the characters believably.

You should have romantic themes which launch hundreds of thousands of fan fictions. You also need to have elements of mystery or ambiguity within the series not resolved until the last few chapters of the last book. Do this in a lucid literary style which shifts easily from comedy to drama to fantasy and deals with every theme known to mankind, such as death and life, love and hatred, family and friends, race, science and magic, government and civil disobedience, the press and the abuse of the press, sports, fame and obscurity, war and peace, the mistreatment of animals, growing up and growing old, giving up and perseverance.

Oh, and while you're at it, rediscover the joys of reading for an entire generation, reinstitute the lost art of parents reading to children, doing so in a way that only the snobbiest and most misanthropic of critics can find fault with. And if you don’t mind, invent some of the most memorable characters in all of literature, and throw in making a few billion dollars for yourself, your publishers and a movie studio.

And do all of this, if you don’t mind, during a seventeen-year time period that begins while going through some of the most trying times of your life, and ends after having gone through a type of fame that few people have ever experienced. And try to stay sane and focused during the entire period. And throw in having a baby or two.

Does anyone else think that, in Joanne Rowling's Harry Potter series, we have a witnessed not only a once-in-a-lifetime feat, but a once-in-forever one?

My hair is officially the longest its ever been in my life. My last haircut was several months ago. 

It's not insanely long; it stretches below my nose in the front and curls in the back. From the sides it's relatively straight but I had to cut off a bit to control the sideburn area. I have to keep running my hand through it to keep it behind my ears. Overall, I think it looks good.

The problem is my own parents/aunts/uncles keep telling me to cut it, but the desired effect with my own age group has been accomplished. Everytime I run into someone I haven't seen in a while (happening a lot since it's the holidays), they make a comment about it. "Zain! your hair! it's long!" I just love it when that happens.

After waking up, it looks like the Himalays mountains; standing up at frightening heights and angles. But a little bit of gel does the trick.

I always wondered how long hair would look on me, and I know I will have to cut it soon, but it was now or never. After college, I won't be able to grow it out to this length.

It usually looks like this. I will try to take pictures of its current length before chopping it off.

Oh and I liked the movie hairspray.

 

I noticed you the first time when you smiled at the professor apologetically and left class early. My brain froze; I zoned out and couldn't get your smile out of my head. I don't what it is about you that attracts me to you. I used to sit far away from you, but I moved next to you. I thought class would pass quicker if you were near me; and it did. And I know you noticed me too; you knew I moved right next to you because of you. Then one day you turned to me and said "I need a partner" and was I glad to be yours. I shouldn't have told you living alone "isn't that fun". You should move out. No, you should move out of your parents house and move in with me. Here. And you really should do your homework, girl. You can't pass if you're not in class. But should I really be talking? I'm always late to class. And why is it that you always hung around after class whenever I was late and then had to stay back to mark myself present? Your name is directly below mine on the roster, and apparently you're usually late too, but always seem to get there before me. I admit it, I am crushing on you. You're too amazingly, stunningly pretty. I give you surreptitious corner-of-the-eye looks and let you catch me doing it. One time I came in 5 mins late and somebody had taken my seat next to  you, so I sat behind you. I saw you looking over your shoulder and I saw you turn around completely when the person behind me answered the professor. You may be crushing on me too. Despite you knowing me a little bit and me knowing you a little bit, we're still curious about each other. Who are you? Do you like me? That mystery remains. Sometimes I ask myself why I have such schoolboy feelings about you. Out of all the cute girls in that class, why you? What is it about you? You are showing up in my head at the most random times. We shall see what happens.

I remember about 5 years ago on MTV they had a commercial that said "by the time you're 20, you've heard 20,000 different songs". Well, I'm 20 now and I might just have heard that many. Music means different things to different people. To me, it's a form of escapism or a method of cheering myself up. I listen to songs from the old days (post 80s, I don't like most "old" music) and it reminds me of the good times; of old friends. I listen to newer music and sometimes songs relate to my life; other times they allow me to contemplate the meaning of existence or just to headbang to a sick beat. 

I become obssesed with songs and listen to them too much until I get bored of them. So it's hard for me to compile a top 10 list of my favorite songs ever. But I've noticed there are some songs I listen to every now and then that have remained my favorites over the years. I guess this list will change in a few years. Here it is, in all it's meaningful glory: 

10. Can't Stand Me Now - The Libertines

Pete Dohertey might be a durg addicted junkie, but this is one catchy, angsty, acrimonious song about the ending of a relationship. I see it as describing the painful twilight of a friendship, not a romantic fling. A lot of people see it that way because of what happened to the band. 

"An ending fitting for the start
you twist and tore our love apart
your light fingers threw the dart
shattered the lamp- into darkness it cast us..."

"No you've got it the wrong way round-
just shot me up and blamed it on the brown"
cornered the boy kicked out at the world, the world kicked back
alot fuckin' harder..."

9. Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs

A lot of times someone loves you so much but you never pay attention to them. You either think they're not good enough for you or you simply don't notice their feelings for you. Maps...to me it means don't leave my life, don't go searching for other places with other people, I'm right here and this is where you should be.

8. So Here We Are - Bloc Party

I have no job, and I have no car. I have $24 left in my bank account.

2007 has been a crazy year so far.  Started off being pretty boring, but there have been periods in between January and now when I've had a mildly interesting life. There have been some beer pong games played, one in particular which would not have taken place at all had I not engineered a table completely from scratch. What happened was that I was in an apartment with friends, and beer was on the way. But since Hannah had moved to California, the entire place was empty save a few couches and chairs. She told us we could party in the apartment over the weekend, on Monday the building would take the house back. So there we were with beer and people, but no table to play on. I went to a storeroom on the same floor that the apartment was on, found a plexiglass slab wide enough and long enough to serve as a table, brought it back and propped it on a few folding chairs, providing support to the chairs on each end by placing folded chairs on their legs. That accomplishment made me pretty proud of myself haha

There have also been some hookups at parties. Once I let a girl give me a haircut, but that was only because I was too drunk to think straight. Then I found myself in the shower with another stranger girl! 

My 20th birthday was fun. My friends think that it's pretty cool that I was born on 420, and I celebrated the two occasions in a befitting manner.

Sometimes, guys become obsessed with working out after they get beaten up or suffer from some sort of humiliation owing to their lack of physical strength. That is what happened to me at a tackle football game with some pretty tough jocks. Despite their warnings, I said I'd be fine with tackling, so they let me play. Very few plays after the game started, the ball was snapped and the QB threw it to me. I caught it, and started running pretty fast. I left behind everyone except one guy who ran up from behind me and to the left. He smashed into me, sending me crashing and tumbling to the ground. I lost my grip on the ball, but we both crashed out of bounds anyway. I smashed my unprotected head on the ground. Not wanting to look like I was hurt, I got up immideately and told everyone I was fine. But the next second everything started turning sepia! I've never fainted in my life before but I came within a centimeter of fainting that time. I could only see a silhouettes of figures staring at me very amusedly. Apparently they thought it was very funny. So now that I was starting to think I was going to go blind, I thought it'd be a good idea to not play anymore. I sat down in the shades but the guys wouldn't stop asking me if I was fine. Soooo yeah. That made me think I need to man up, which is why now I lift, but I need to improve my routine to the gym so I can gain mass. There has been some progress since I started, but it's still a long way to go from 130 lbs to the 170-180 lbs of muscle I want to become.

This year has seen some good movies being released. I really liked Hot Fuzz. Especially when the fat cop asked "have you ever shot two guns while jumping through the air?" Now everytime I talk to a cop, I will ask this question haha. 300 was okay, it's not like the best movie ever like some people are making it out to be. Why were the Persians shown as alien-like creatures? soo weird. Maybe it's because I used to read the Ghost Rider comic as a kid, but I liked the movie. Nicholas Cage is a good actor. Ninja Turtles was entertaining too, but not out of this world. Pirates of the Caribbean: At Worlds End was the best film of the trilogy in my opinion. Kiera Knightley is such a hottie. I also saw some good old movies, one in particular I really liked was Money Talks. Chris Tucker made me laugh so hard my sides hurt. "You don't know who you messin' with man!!! I'm deep in the streets! I'm dangerous! I slap people for fun!" :D

And since now I'm off from school (even though I don't want to be), I've been playing a lot of video games especially Command and Conquer: Tiberium Wars Kane edition. Strategy games are my favorite genre along with flight simulation, so I really like it even though I wish the game let you build a navy. I've downloaded some military planes for my FS9 game, and I'm planning to record myself landing an F-16 and post it on YouTube like a lot of people do. I've read the entire ground school manual in the game for a student pilot, and now I'm on the private pilot ground school part. If I ever decide to take real flying lessons, all this time spent playing this game will definately com in handy.
I suck at Counter Strike, but I still play it sometimes.

Since the summer is here, I swim sometimes but I hate how even in baking hot weather the water can feel so cold. I hate feeling cold.  It's already June and I'd hope to have a lot of fun this summer. Hopefully I can go with friends to a beach house. Andrey's parents are leaving around June 20 for France along with his brother, and he said we could all crash at his place for several weeks. That should be uber fun. Speaking of Andrey, he gave me about 5 cd's worth of trance music, that was pretty cool of him

The final Harry Potter book is coming out soon. I'll try to get my hands on one and try to read it. It's sad that something I've been a fan of since 13 years of age will finally come to an end. But I'm glad to, because if I get to read it, I won't die without knowing what happes to Harry and Voldemort.

The Sopranos is coming to an end now, and I wish I had HBO so I could watch it. I'll inevitably have the ending spoiled for me by someone before I can watch it. I already know who got whacked :/

This is just a general rambling post, there are far more important things going on in my life that I do not want to mention right now until I find out what the end result is. 

As uncertain as my future might be right now, one thing is for certain; I'm having this song by The Drifters played at my wedding. If I ever get married that is.

Hey everyone, happy holidays! I hope everyone had a fun 2006 and I wish you all a happy new year!

Here's something you might enjoy! If there's anything this world needs more of, it's indie rock :)

My life is pretty much a sad disaster right now. Last night I was perfectly okay; ready to party. Hassan, Conor, Chantel and I were chilling and eventually all of us three guys got drunk. But like always I went too far and chugged lots of vodka, resulting in me being drunk to an extent I never knew was accomplishable. I must have said really stupid things and behaved in a completely moronic way, and I cut my hand really bad from trying to to climb through a broken window. I faintly remember recognizing Josh's voice trying to wake me up, but for some reason I couldn't open my eyes. Instead a strong feeling of dispair overwhelmed me and I cried. Yeah that's just what I needed; crying at a party. And I'm pretty sure I heard voices of people who weren't there when I passed out, so I guess I completely humiliated myself infront of people I don't even know. Right now I am extremely upset about everything, I don't even want to list the problems. My belief in God is completely gone. I have no one in my life I can tell everything to, to make me feel better. Or maybe I don't want to tell anyone in real life, I don't know. I don't deserve this, but I'm taking it on the chin and I'm gonna make all this crap count later in life. I really think anyone else in my position would have given up a long time ago, but I know what motivates me. I have decided that I am a much better person when I am sober, I am giving up drinking for at least a while.

I can't believe how naive I was till last year, I used to think life was perfect and nothing bad would ever happen to me. Right now all my problems can be solved by a lucky change of circumstance, if getting out of this bad phase was up to me I'd have tried. The best years of my life shall not be spent like this in vain. I promise the world I'll come back and fuck it over for what it is doing to me.

The worst part is that everyone thinks its all my fault, but they don't know, they just don't know what its like. Its straining my relationship with people I care for but I always accept responsibility for everything when they blame me because they've done so much for me and there is no way for me to show them that its beyond my control.

I really don't know how I am going to face all the people who were at the party again. Why am I even writing all this, who in this world even cares?